Well where do I begin??? I am annoyed at so many things right at the moment I feel as if I'm chewing on nails... Very unhealthy I tell ya. Anyway I am just going to list them because at the moment they are consuming me:
1. My weight/unhealthiness
2. The fact that my clothes no longer fit right and my arms look like orangutan's arms and I have stretchmarks practically everywhere!!!
3. The lack of motivation I have to change any of that
4. The pesky depressed feeling I've had all day(for no good reason either)
5. The way that feeling ruined most of my day, even gave me a headache
6. People who copy others but pretend it is their own original idea...Learn to be yourself!!! That one should be at the top.
7. My school work (and the fact that it hasn't been touched today)
8. My lack of motivation for that
9. My not wanting to go to sleep
10. My jealousy or should I say insecurity over something dumb
11. The fact that I don't know how to convey that jealousy without it sounding dumb because as a feeling even though it may not be valid it is my feeling and it's eating me up
12. My wanting to change some things but knowing really I just want to run away
13. This blog even
It's not that I'm not grateful. I look at this and I think man I'm grateful to have clothes I can't fit into. I'm thankful my body served the greatest purpose of having a child and that's why there are so many marks on it. I'm thankful to have arms and a body I can work with. I'm thankful to be able to have the capabilities of having feelings. I'm thankful to be able to go to school. I'm thankful that I have a computer to write on. I'm extremely thankful I have a Savior who willingly put himself on the cross to die for my sins so I could even be annoyed. But sometimes in the midst of all that thankfulness I just get downright annoyed and specifically annoyed with myself. I hold myself to a standard sometimes even I can't fulfill but I want to soooo bad. I know that my own expectations of myself can be too high but really if I don't have high expectations..who will? Tonight was just the ending to a very long day. It was what should have been the best day. My beautiful daughter turned 2 and we had a great dinner with her dad. There were parts that were awesome but then this dumb annoyance overshadowed those parts. So I'm going to bed tonight and hopefully tomorrow when I wake up this will all have been a bad dream. I know it won't but at least maybe after a full nights sleep I will be better able to deal.
Undeserving, But Blessed,
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