My God is faithful

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote. And I know why. I have had a lot of time that I could have wrote and a lot of things that I felt like writing but then knowing someone may read it stopped me. I promised in the beginning of my blog I wanted to be transparent, entirely truthful even with myself and by not writing I could avoid that. But not writing left me with a lot of pent up emotions. I love writing. I love putting the feelings, putting my struggles and my triumphs on paper. I've always been one who can't always get out what I want to say but when I write it everything flows so much better. So my apologies to whoever reads this and my apologies to myself. I will remember to always write. Without it I seem to loose track. It's sort of like a person who lives by their schedule, their calendar, planner. I live by being able to express myself. When I was younger I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety which is not to say that things are different and I don't have those issues. Now I simply know where to turn when I feel dragged down. The over whelming sadness, the disturbing anger, or even the panic are all lifted away when I simply ask.  This week was an amazing reminder of that and of how BIG my God is. This week was the first week of many times when Caleb gets to have Riley for a whole week. Something I am extremely thankful for, extremely blessed that he is such an amazing father, and so happy for my little girl who gets to spend extra time with him and his family. I have quite possibly the most awesome co-parenting situation. Both parents striving to have Christ in our lives and also in Riley's. And even though my joy is in knowing that she is safe, she is having a blast, and she is happy. I couldn't help but feel sad. Satan is so good at what he does. He took my sadness and made it fill with irrational fears, with past anxiety of being alone, with overshadowing sadness. Yes a huge part of me was missing from my routine, my life. But God was blessing her and me. I was given the chance to work more, spend uninterrupted quiet time with him, spend time with friends till whatever hour, and freedom not to worry about her. But Tuesday was different. My fears and sadness grew so I prayed, I gave it all to Him. If there is anything I know it is that he always provides and he takes every burden we feel we cannot bear as long as we are humble and willing to ask. And he did. He took my fear, my anxiety, my sadness, my cross and gave me a picture of her smile and joy in my mind. My God is so good and so faithful. I am truly blessed to serve him. 
Psalm 55:16-18 "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me."

 

Time to fight...

I don't even know what to write. I don't even know what to say. The past couple of weeks have been long. The pain I felt has consumed me. So much so that I lost my focus on the important piece of my life, my Savior. I think the quote Alex gave me the other day is fitting. "We will play at this game Christianity until we realize we are really at war for our soul." Today I have been hit with a two ton truck of truth. Now do I like it? Not really how much it hurt. Not from the people who talked to me but in realizing the only thing standing in my way is ME. The only thing stopping the fight against Satan for my Savior is ME. I feel broken but broken in a good way. Broken in truth. I feel calm. I feel saved. Today although I did not enjoy the tears, the ride has been good. I am no longer my own worst enemy. I am no longer standing in my way. And I am putting up my strongest defense. I am putting Christ at my door. I am letting Him fight in my place with His strength against Satan. I am calm. I can feel the peace. I'm no longer afraid. I am ready to accept Christ's gift. I am ready for His joy, His love, and His peace. It is in my hands, I can feel it. But even stronger is that I can feel it in my heart. I love my Savior.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Procrastination... How can I not??

I find myself procrastinating these days. The worst part is it is not because I don't want to do my school work or do things. I actually do enjoy stretching my brain to the limits. The problem lies in this absolutely beautiful weather!!! It's so hard not to enjoy it and want to spend every minute outside. I hung the clothes out on the line this morning and was completely saddened by the fact that there were no more clothes to be hung!! It was so gorgeous!! And each time as I stand outside I am amazed at how BIG my God is! Today as Riley played and I hung laundry I looked around and saw His awesome creation in a full swing. And I thought "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Eccl. 3:1. Amazing how that is so true. I saw the plants come alive, bees buzzing around, and sweet sunshine beating on my back. Here we have come fully out of winter. A time when things have started to die only to be reborn in all His glory. How great it is to be able to watch the wonder of that unfold! And what an awesome lesson to be reminded of every year. We must be patient to watch the trees blossom with leaves, the flowers bloom, and the grass turn green, all things much like our own life that we cannot control. So today I pray to remember that for everything there is a season, and only the Father knows when to let the leaves grow as to avoid the frost.

Undeserving, But Beautifully Blessed,

Crazy Wild Terrible Twos!!!

     Well what a couple of days!! My little angel has turned into a mischevious, snotty two year old! Hurray for independence!! She's 2 going on 13 but with some horrible tantrums. I have been almost at shock for sheer amazement on where she learned any of it!! It's amazing how real it is that we are all born with such a sinful nature. But I know this is good. I know this time is a learning time for me. I have never been one to be wishy washy. I am very much all or nothing and my little willful two year old is very much like me. I have seen myself in a her this past week. So this week as I am going to get very annoyed, very uptight over her behavior because I know I will, I am going to work on being calm. I am going to try to react not in the moment but with grace. I will be in the eye of my own little hurricane. I am ready to embrace this time to learn patience. I am ready because I know that boundaries are good. Christ gives me boundaries. He gives me discipline in my heart when I fail. And he continues to love me when I do fall short. What better example do I need? After taking a deep breath and looking at her smile I am so ready to grow with her. I am ready to EMBRACE being a mom of a two year old. And I am motivated with Christ. I read this great picture the other day and thought I would share.

This will be a long week. This will be a trying experience but everything worthwhile is tough. My beautiful angel will be back with a little patience and some boundaries. She will reappear. I am so excited to be her mom and I am blessed.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Such a BIG God!!

Wow... Today is a crazy day... I have yet to get up early enough to not feel rushed this week but have had a slight snag with Riley being sick and moving all my stuff. And even though I feel that is no excuse for myself I know it will be ok. So let's see what have is there to talk about today... I think a good subject would be where I feel God has been using me the past couple of weeks. I started going to Prison Ministries on Sunday mornings and it has been very humbling for myself and an amazing blessing. Yes, there are definitley mornings that I am struggling to get out of bed at 6:30 on sundays to be ready but I don't think I could give it up. I feel I have seen changes in some of the girls, whether they are superficial changes or real is something I will never know but at least they seem to put forth the effort of working on their relationship with Christ. This past week was a tremendous blessing for me. The girls came eager, with their lessons finished!!(they always forgot to return them) and with their memory verse MEMORIZED!!! It was amazing!! Only something that Christ could do!!! I felt so blessed to have a Savior who can do work like that! And then Christ can be so good to humble us in a way that reminds us we are no better than any other sinner just because we didn't get caught with our vice. This was how my last Sunday before this one went. I walked into the room where we meet with the girls and there was a girl who sat in front of me in one of my classes, sitting right there. Here I had been going to class never thinking of the people that are missing from class because everyone (and I include myself) just chime in on maybe she dropped out or class must have been too hard, when really we have no idea. Frankly, It really put me in my place. So often we continue to go about our day criticising or gossiping without thinking about someone else when we don't know the shoes they wear or any of their story. And not only that but even though we say we don't, we judge where it is not our place to. I have never been reminded so strongly about casting the first stone. I wish this girl could know how Christ used her that day to make such an impact on me. I feel so amazingly blessed to have such a BIG God! I am glad that I can continue to be shown such great blessings and learn so much from where God is using me for HIS Glory!!! Ahhhh and check out this B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. SUNSHINE!!! I love it!!! Hope everyone has an awesome day and gets outside to enjoy the great weather!!!

Undeserving, But Blessed
Merce