Time to fight...

I don't even know what to write. I don't even know what to say. The past couple of weeks have been long. The pain I felt has consumed me. So much so that I lost my focus on the important piece of my life, my Savior. I think the quote Alex gave me the other day is fitting. "We will play at this game Christianity until we realize we are really at war for our soul." Today I have been hit with a two ton truck of truth. Now do I like it? Not really how much it hurt. Not from the people who talked to me but in realizing the only thing standing in my way is ME. The only thing stopping the fight against Satan for my Savior is ME. I feel broken but broken in a good way. Broken in truth. I feel calm. I feel saved. Today although I did not enjoy the tears, the ride has been good. I am no longer my own worst enemy. I am no longer standing in my way. And I am putting up my strongest defense. I am putting Christ at my door. I am letting Him fight in my place with His strength against Satan. I am calm. I can feel the peace. I'm no longer afraid. I am ready to accept Christ's gift. I am ready for His joy, His love, and His peace. It is in my hands, I can feel it. But even stronger is that I can feel it in my heart. I love my Savior.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Procrastination... How can I not??

I find myself procrastinating these days. The worst part is it is not because I don't want to do my school work or do things. I actually do enjoy stretching my brain to the limits. The problem lies in this absolutely beautiful weather!!! It's so hard not to enjoy it and want to spend every minute outside. I hung the clothes out on the line this morning and was completely saddened by the fact that there were no more clothes to be hung!! It was so gorgeous!! And each time as I stand outside I am amazed at how BIG my God is! Today as Riley played and I hung laundry I looked around and saw His awesome creation in a full swing. And I thought "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Eccl. 3:1. Amazing how that is so true. I saw the plants come alive, bees buzzing around, and sweet sunshine beating on my back. Here we have come fully out of winter. A time when things have started to die only to be reborn in all His glory. How great it is to be able to watch the wonder of that unfold! And what an awesome lesson to be reminded of every year. We must be patient to watch the trees blossom with leaves, the flowers bloom, and the grass turn green, all things much like our own life that we cannot control. So today I pray to remember that for everything there is a season, and only the Father knows when to let the leaves grow as to avoid the frost.

Undeserving, But Beautifully Blessed,

Crazy Wild Terrible Twos!!!

     Well what a couple of days!! My little angel has turned into a mischevious, snotty two year old! Hurray for independence!! She's 2 going on 13 but with some horrible tantrums. I have been almost at shock for sheer amazement on where she learned any of it!! It's amazing how real it is that we are all born with such a sinful nature. But I know this is good. I know this time is a learning time for me. I have never been one to be wishy washy. I am very much all or nothing and my little willful two year old is very much like me. I have seen myself in a her this past week. So this week as I am going to get very annoyed, very uptight over her behavior because I know I will, I am going to work on being calm. I am going to try to react not in the moment but with grace. I will be in the eye of my own little hurricane. I am ready to embrace this time to learn patience. I am ready because I know that boundaries are good. Christ gives me boundaries. He gives me discipline in my heart when I fail. And he continues to love me when I do fall short. What better example do I need? After taking a deep breath and looking at her smile I am so ready to grow with her. I am ready to EMBRACE being a mom of a two year old. And I am motivated with Christ. I read this great picture the other day and thought I would share.

This will be a long week. This will be a trying experience but everything worthwhile is tough. My beautiful angel will be back with a little patience and some boundaries. She will reappear. I am so excited to be her mom and I am blessed.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Such a BIG God!!

Wow... Today is a crazy day... I have yet to get up early enough to not feel rushed this week but have had a slight snag with Riley being sick and moving all my stuff. And even though I feel that is no excuse for myself I know it will be ok. So let's see what have is there to talk about today... I think a good subject would be where I feel God has been using me the past couple of weeks. I started going to Prison Ministries on Sunday mornings and it has been very humbling for myself and an amazing blessing. Yes, there are definitley mornings that I am struggling to get out of bed at 6:30 on sundays to be ready but I don't think I could give it up. I feel I have seen changes in some of the girls, whether they are superficial changes or real is something I will never know but at least they seem to put forth the effort of working on their relationship with Christ. This past week was a tremendous blessing for me. The girls came eager, with their lessons finished!!(they always forgot to return them) and with their memory verse MEMORIZED!!! It was amazing!! Only something that Christ could do!!! I felt so blessed to have a Savior who can do work like that! And then Christ can be so good to humble us in a way that reminds us we are no better than any other sinner just because we didn't get caught with our vice. This was how my last Sunday before this one went. I walked into the room where we meet with the girls and there was a girl who sat in front of me in one of my classes, sitting right there. Here I had been going to class never thinking of the people that are missing from class because everyone (and I include myself) just chime in on maybe she dropped out or class must have been too hard, when really we have no idea. Frankly, It really put me in my place. So often we continue to go about our day criticising or gossiping without thinking about someone else when we don't know the shoes they wear or any of their story. And not only that but even though we say we don't, we judge where it is not our place to. I have never been reminded so strongly about casting the first stone. I wish this girl could know how Christ used her that day to make such an impact on me. I feel so amazingly blessed to have such a BIG God! I am glad that I can continue to be shown such great blessings and learn so much from where God is using me for HIS Glory!!! Ahhhh and check out this B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. SUNSHINE!!! I love it!!! Hope everyone has an awesome day and gets outside to enjoy the great weather!!!

Undeserving, But Blessed
Merce

Well it seems to have been awhile!!

What to say? Well my past week or two (because wow I really haven't posted anything since spring break) have been hectic/rollercoaster/annoying/rough/ Murphy's law-what can go wrong will. Yeah that's a rough couple of weeks. I have struggled in alot of areas this past couple of weeks and mainly out of my own choice of paths which in itself is frustrating. Let's start first most importantly with my relationship with Christ. Well it's lacking/failing. My prayer life, my focus, my enjoyment, everything. I literally have fallen off the band wagon. Which also means I am running behind attempting to catch it all the while Satan is lassoing me (very well might I add). It's just absolutely frustrating. I haven't even made the attempt in the past two weeks to strengthen that relationship. And that makes me very sad with myself. It's not that I don't know the undeniably awesome gift He has given me or find amazing joy in it and honestly my struggles are so minuet they shouldn't even matter but they still distract me. One of the biggest of my struggles is my feelings. I hate feeling sad! Because when I feel sad it is not a one day and the next I am over it. It is a drag through the mud, cry in my closet, can't shake it, sad for weeks sort of sad. And not only that but when the reason I am sad is standing in front of me, Satan does an amazing job of covering the AMAZING joy Christ puts there too. I can honestly say that Satan is good at what he does. So this week even though it is still full of deadlines and annoying schedules I can say I want to work harder and if I don't want to on a certain day I'm going to push myself because I'm starting to feel lost and unorganized in my priorities. And that is a feeling I despise! Next how does one deal with a temptation that is right in front of you nonstop? And I am not talking about one that you can walk away from? One that you have commitments with and therefore must deal with. Before I started repenting it was easy to get over this temptation because there was so much hate for (let's just call it my "frog" sounds funny but naming names is unpleasant in blogs sometimes) my frog for what had happened that it was easy to ignore it. Now since turning towards Christ I find it is very hard to hate someone even though it is a great defense mechanism. I have found that I feel very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with someone who I began to trust again when I should have only been that way with Christ. Because now I am left with a hole that I know I should not even have because I keep going back to I Corinthians 7:34 - "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." And Yes I realize it is also my lack of attention to the Lord that has gotten me to the bottom of my very own well. Amazing isn't it? God gives us a brain and sometimes we well lack to use it. Who would have thought? Anyway as I continue to read that verse I think about how sometimes taking the right path is so easy yet it is unbelievable as humans how we always manage to fail and choose our own! But that is a topic for another day. This is already going to be a rather long blog today. So for the next week I have set some new and somewhat drastic boundaries for myself but I just read this quote today that stated "sometimes bold moves call for drastic measures", don't know whether I fully agree but today I will take it to heart. First no texting, no calling unless it is needed for the well being of the middle person, and when ever a thought of my "frog" comes to mind I am going to simply send a prayer up for him so that it will dispel any bad feelings Satan insists on pushing my way. The next is to arise at 5:30am everyday. Yes that time does exist. :) I want to be able to go for a walk, read my bible, and not feel rushed in my time with Christ. I want exactly what James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." I want to be purified again. I want to feel the excitement of Christ in my heart, in my life. I feel like I have found my compass again. And its pointed back in the right direction.  Prayers welcomed, it will be a long week but a good one. I truly do have a beautiful Savior. It is time to guard my heart for Him alone. :)

Undeserving, But Blessed,
Merce