Wow it has been a long time since I wrote. And I know why. I have had a lot of time that I could have wrote and a lot of things that I felt like writing but then knowing someone may read it stopped me. I promised in the beginning of my blog I wanted to be transparent, entirely truthful even with myself and by not writing I could avoid that. But not writing left me with a lot of pent up emotions. I love writing. I love putting the feelings, putting my struggles and my triumphs on paper. I've always been one who can't always get out what I want to say but when I write it everything flows so much better. So my apologies to whoever reads this and my apologies to myself. I will remember to always write. Without it I seem to loose track. It's sort of like a person who lives by their schedule, their calendar, planner. I live by being able to express myself. When I was younger I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety which is not to say that things are different and I don't have those issues. Now I simply know where to turn when I feel dragged down. The over whelming sadness, the disturbing anger, or even the panic are all lifted away when I simply ask. This week was an amazing reminder of that and of how BIG my God is. This week was the first week of many times when Caleb gets to have Riley for a whole week. Something I am extremely thankful for, extremely blessed that he is such an amazing father, and so happy for my little girl who gets to spend extra time with him and his family. I have quite possibly the most awesome co-parenting situation. Both parents striving to have Christ in our lives and also in Riley's. And even though my joy is in knowing that she is safe, she is having a blast, and she is happy. I couldn't help but feel sad. Satan is so good at what he does. He took my sadness and made it fill with irrational fears, with past anxiety of being alone, with overshadowing sadness. Yes a huge part of me was missing from my routine, my life. But God was blessing her and me. I was given the chance to work more, spend uninterrupted quiet time with him, spend time with friends till whatever hour, and freedom not to worry about her. But Tuesday was different. My fears and sadness grew so I prayed, I gave it all to Him. If there is anything I know it is that he always provides and he takes every burden we feel we cannot bear as long as we are humble and willing to ask. And he did. He took my fear, my anxiety, my sadness, my cross and gave me a picture of her smile and joy in my mind. My God is so good and so faithful. I am truly blessed to serve him.
Psalm 55:16-18 "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me."
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