"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."Prov 31:30


Where to begin...

I have no idea where to start!!! First of it has been over a year since my last post and so much has happened. Not only has so much happened but God has done so much with my life, my emotions, my fears, and so much more. When you ask God to deliver you really have to be prepared to hang on. So let's start with an overview. My last post was in August of last year whoa... well first that's not long after homeway closed and I ended up without a job.. I wouldn't say I enjoyed that time of the year but at the same time I can't say I hated it. Let's call it the learning process. I prayed and tried to find a job for what seemed like forever but like my minister says "sometimes God withholds something good for something great". In my case great came in the way of a pride lesson. And a lesson in "His timing" versus my own. I was extremely blessed that at the time of losing my job I was still living with Carrie and Jeff and their family but at the same time it did nothing for my hope of getting out on my own to not have an income. Carrie and I had been working on a time line for me to move out of February 1st and unfortunately as that time came closer and closer I still had no job and no home in sight. And this is where God steps in :) I had applied for a job not really wanting it and feeling that I was above it. Not because I felt I was special but sometimes pride doesn't allow you to see something as God sees it. I saw this job as just a means to an end when really God saw it as a way to use me for His glory. Crazy how small our picture is compared to His.. But with a month left till my deadline I was feeling confused and starting to lose hope that there was any possibility to move out. Carrie and I were spending time reading His word, working on bible studies, praying, kinda freaking out :) but then the call came, job interview and then job offer and in the couple of days we found a small one bedroom house through friends. So two weeks till my deadline God delivered proving that sometimes His timing is so much better than ours. And so much has happened since then to continue to prove that not that He needs to in any way. So here is a recap of our year in our home...
    Some amazing friends helped me and Riley move into our new home, paint our crazy colored kitchen, and within the same day of moving in found me a bed and a kitchen table!! And our house started to become our home. I started my new job and it was not quite what I anticipated. I learned about budgets, first off they stink :) but at the same time you can't live without them and I also learned sometimes God has to provide cause we have nothing left but He does it in ways you don't expect. Riley and I went through a huge snowstorm! Our first in our home and learned camping out in Quincy at my sisters is the best option when you own a 96 neon. In the spring we attempted growing plants and sadly I'm not a good container gardener. Riley turned 3 in May and with turning 3 she turned 13 with her attitude. :) She continues to amaze me and remind me I can do more because she's worth every tired moment of crashing into bed at the end of the night. Summer came and went way too fast but we spent time at a friends pool, watching movies, learning the best way to feed only two people which sometimes means not eating like everyone else. It was an interesting time. God also gave me an experience to remind me that I have some amazing people in my life and to be thankful for everyday. In June we had this crazy storm and I had a tree come through the window hitting me in the chest and leaving me off work for 3 days and sore as could be. And also left me with one ugly scar on my chest but the next day after getting hit God gave me a verse I won't forget, 2 Samuel 22:31-32, "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God?" Even when things happen that we don't understand or they are painful He has proven me both in the past and in that experience that He always knows the plan. One of the things that I became very aware of was that I am very thankful for is my family both stand ins and the real deal. Between my sisters & dad, my 2nd family Carrie & Jeff, my church family, my friends, I am very lucky. I'm also extremely lucky that when I had a kid, God picked such an amazing man for me to have one with. Caleb was amazing that week. He took care of Riley for me, got things I needed, and was there for anything I needed, truly an awesome friend & father. I'm very blessed. So in continuing it was a crazy summer continuing into a fun fall. We went to our yearly trip to the pumpkin patch, carved our amazing pumpkins, decorated our house for the fall and now this week we will have our very first thanksgiving in our own home. My family is coming to join and I'm very excited to have them here. But that is not the only exciting thing in our week. We found out that God has another exciting journey for us planned. We have been needing more space in our home and we have been wanting a two bedroom but I learned I don't want it without the cost of God's peace or unless it was His will and I got my answer today when looking at the new house we visited. Another lesson learned, when we ask for peace or an answer we have to pay attention because God knows what he's doing and he always gives an answer. So although I am sad we will be leaving our small 1st home in a couple months God has something planned for us and I can only imagine what it will be. :)




Ok so my question this evening is how much control is too much? Actually when does it become considered a bad thing? Believe me I am one who loves to have control in all situations. I love to control what I spend money on, how something is planned, how something happens, etc. I will be the first to admit I love control and becoming a Christian has destroyed that concept. And not for bad reasons either. It has actually given a freedom in Christ for me not to worry about controlling things in my life. Now I'm not an advocate for complete lack of control. I do believe watching what you wear, what you watch, what you eat, etc can be good. But at what point do those things become hindering not only to your relationship with Christ but also to your ability to live with the freedom he has given you? I think that point is when you become more concerned with being able to control those things than your walk with Him. I know that may sound silly and some may say by controlling what I wear how could that ever hinder my walk with Him but it can. When the first thing you think of before walking out the door to church is I hope my hair is just right, I hope my skirt is not wrong,I hope all these things and you don't even consider how much better it could have been to prepare before going out to church was spending alone time with Christ for that hour you spent on your outfit. Or even with controlling what you eat. I do believe having a healthy diet is a good thing and it is also something I should probably work better at but when controlling and eliminating things in my diet not only for health reasons but also because I find comfort in being able to control that becomes more important than my walk with Him I feel the boundary has been reached. This may sound extremely judgemental towards people that enjoy control and I sincerely apologize. I feel that by receiving freedom in Christ we should also relinquish our need for control to Him. Not saying that discernment in what we say, what we wear, what we eat, what we drink is wrong. It is necessary but at the same time our focus must always be pointed towards Him first and not waver because of a need for control.




There is something to be said about being in the middle of chaos or turmoil and feeling completely at peace. Although the feeling isn't completely new. I have been feeling it for awhile I just love being able to embrace it. The past two weeks it seems like nothing could go right. Everything was falling apart both in my life and in the Rocke's. And wow can I tell how much God has grown me. While everything was wrong I knew who I was fighting. I knew who the enemy was...Satan. Don't get me wrong he is very good at what he does and I had moments of doubt but they were followed up by amazing knowing. Although I didn't understand, my faith was still strong. I believe my God is bigger, He is better, and He will win. The chaos hasn't ended but I am right where I said I wanted to be. I am at the eye of the storm. I am armed with Christ and enjoying the fight. I can see the growth when instead of saying "Why me" like I used to, I am saying "why not me?" I know who I'm living for and I dare Satan to come between us because like I said in April I will never again give up my Savior. If I have found anyone to be faithful it is Him. Although I am constantly failing and never living up to my own standard I still have faith that He loves me and His grace is sufficient. I planned on writing about how excited I was for this weekend but this came out instead. But for a quick note on the weekend. It is crazy to look back and to see how Christ has brought me to where I am. This weekend my excitement is in going to Prison ministries Sunday and tonight in singing Praise to my Father with the young group. How different He changes our lives but how great it is to live for Him instead of for the world. How I blessed I am to follow a Father with a PERFECT plan. Kinda hard to wrap your head around it!!


My God is faithful

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote. And I know why. I have had a lot of time that I could have wrote and a lot of things that I felt like writing but then knowing someone may read it stopped me. I promised in the beginning of my blog I wanted to be transparent, entirely truthful even with myself and by not writing I could avoid that. But not writing left me with a lot of pent up emotions. I love writing. I love putting the feelings, putting my struggles and my triumphs on paper. I've always been one who can't always get out what I want to say but when I write it everything flows so much better. So my apologies to whoever reads this and my apologies to myself. I will remember to always write. Without it I seem to loose track. It's sort of like a person who lives by their schedule, their calendar, planner. I live by being able to express myself. When I was younger I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety which is not to say that things are different and I don't have those issues. Now I simply know where to turn when I feel dragged down. The over whelming sadness, the disturbing anger, or even the panic are all lifted away when I simply ask.  This week was an amazing reminder of that and of how BIG my God is. This week was the first week of many times when Caleb gets to have Riley for a whole week. Something I am extremely thankful for, extremely blessed that he is such an amazing father, and so happy for my little girl who gets to spend extra time with him and his family. I have quite possibly the most awesome co-parenting situation. Both parents striving to have Christ in our lives and also in Riley's. And even though my joy is in knowing that she is safe, she is having a blast, and she is happy. I couldn't help but feel sad. Satan is so good at what he does. He took my sadness and made it fill with irrational fears, with past anxiety of being alone, with overshadowing sadness. Yes a huge part of me was missing from my routine, my life. But God was blessing her and me. I was given the chance to work more, spend uninterrupted quiet time with him, spend time with friends till whatever hour, and freedom not to worry about her. But Tuesday was different. My fears and sadness grew so I prayed, I gave it all to Him. If there is anything I know it is that he always provides and he takes every burden we feel we cannot bear as long as we are humble and willing to ask. And he did. He took my fear, my anxiety, my sadness, my cross and gave me a picture of her smile and joy in my mind. My God is so good and so faithful. I am truly blessed to serve him. 
Psalm 55:16-18 "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me."



Well I'm annoyed....

Well where do I begin??? I am annoyed at so many things right at the moment I feel as if I'm chewing on nails... Very unhealthy I tell ya. Anyway I am just going to list them because at the moment they are consuming me:
1. My weight/unhealthiness
2. The fact that my clothes no longer fit right and my arms look like orangutan's arms and I have stretchmarks practically everywhere!!!
3. The lack of motivation I have to change any of that
4. The pesky depressed feeling I've had all day(for no good reason either)
5. The way that feeling ruined most of my day, even gave me a headache
6. People who copy others but pretend it is their own original idea...Learn to be yourself!!! That one should be at the top.
7. My school work (and the fact that it hasn't been touched today)
8. My lack of motivation for that
9. My not wanting to go to sleep
10. My jealousy or should I say insecurity over something dumb
 11. The fact that I don't know how to convey that jealousy without it sounding dumb because as a feeling even though it may not be valid it is my feeling and it's eating me up
12. My wanting to change some things but knowing really I just want to run away
13. This blog even

It's not that I'm not grateful. I look at this and I think man I'm grateful to have clothes I can't fit into. I'm thankful my body served the greatest purpose of having a child and that's why there are so many marks on it. I'm thankful to have arms and a body I can work with. I'm thankful to be able to have the capabilities of having feelings. I'm thankful to be able to go to school. I'm thankful that I have a computer to write on. I'm extremely thankful I have a Savior who willingly put himself on the cross to die for my sins so I could even be annoyed. But sometimes in the midst of all that thankfulness I just get downright annoyed and specifically annoyed with myself. I hold myself to a standard sometimes even I can't fulfill but I want to soooo bad. I know that my own expectations of myself can be too high but really if I don't have high expectations..who will? Tonight was just the ending to a very long day. It was what should have been the best day. My beautiful daughter turned 2 and we had a great dinner with her dad. There were parts that were awesome but then this dumb annoyance overshadowed those parts. So I'm going to bed tonight and hopefully tomorrow when I wake up this will all have been a bad dream. I know it won't but at least maybe after a full nights sleep I will be better able to deal.

Undeserving, But Blessed,