Well it seems to have been awhile!!

What to say? Well my past week or two (because wow I really haven't posted anything since spring break) have been hectic/rollercoaster/annoying/rough/ Murphy's law-what can go wrong will. Yeah that's a rough couple of weeks. I have struggled in alot of areas this past couple of weeks and mainly out of my own choice of paths which in itself is frustrating. Let's start first most importantly with my relationship with Christ. Well it's lacking/failing. My prayer life, my focus, my enjoyment, everything. I literally have fallen off the band wagon. Which also means I am running behind attempting to catch it all the while Satan is lassoing me (very well might I add). It's just absolutely frustrating. I haven't even made the attempt in the past two weeks to strengthen that relationship. And that makes me very sad with myself. It's not that I don't know the undeniably awesome gift He has given me or find amazing joy in it and honestly my struggles are so minuet they shouldn't even matter but they still distract me. One of the biggest of my struggles is my feelings. I hate feeling sad! Because when I feel sad it is not a one day and the next I am over it. It is a drag through the mud, cry in my closet, can't shake it, sad for weeks sort of sad. And not only that but when the reason I am sad is standing in front of me, Satan does an amazing job of covering the AMAZING joy Christ puts there too. I can honestly say that Satan is good at what he does. So this week even though it is still full of deadlines and annoying schedules I can say I want to work harder and if I don't want to on a certain day I'm going to push myself because I'm starting to feel lost and unorganized in my priorities. And that is a feeling I despise! Next how does one deal with a temptation that is right in front of you nonstop? And I am not talking about one that you can walk away from? One that you have commitments with and therefore must deal with. Before I started repenting it was easy to get over this temptation because there was so much hate for (let's just call it my "frog" sounds funny but naming names is unpleasant in blogs sometimes) my frog for what had happened that it was easy to ignore it. Now since turning towards Christ I find it is very hard to hate someone even though it is a great defense mechanism. I have found that I feel very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with someone who I began to trust again when I should have only been that way with Christ. Because now I am left with a hole that I know I should not even have because I keep going back to I Corinthians 7:34 - "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." And Yes I realize it is also my lack of attention to the Lord that has gotten me to the bottom of my very own well. Amazing isn't it? God gives us a brain and sometimes we well lack to use it. Who would have thought? Anyway as I continue to read that verse I think about how sometimes taking the right path is so easy yet it is unbelievable as humans how we always manage to fail and choose our own! But that is a topic for another day. This is already going to be a rather long blog today. So for the next week I have set some new and somewhat drastic boundaries for myself but I just read this quote today that stated "sometimes bold moves call for drastic measures", don't know whether I fully agree but today I will take it to heart. First no texting, no calling unless it is needed for the well being of the middle person, and when ever a thought of my "frog" comes to mind I am going to simply send a prayer up for him so that it will dispel any bad feelings Satan insists on pushing my way. The next is to arise at 5:30am everyday. Yes that time does exist. :) I want to be able to go for a walk, read my bible, and not feel rushed in my time with Christ. I want exactly what James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." I want to be purified again. I want to feel the excitement of Christ in my heart, in my life. I feel like I have found my compass again. And its pointed back in the right direction.  Prayers welcomed, it will be a long week but a good one. I truly do have a beautiful Savior. It is time to guard my heart for Him alone. :)

Undeserving, But Blessed,
Merce