Hhhmmmm.....

Ok so my question this evening is how much control is too much? Actually when does it become considered a bad thing? Believe me I am one who loves to have control in all situations. I love to control what I spend money on, how something is planned, how something happens, etc. I will be the first to admit I love control and becoming a Christian has destroyed that concept. And not for bad reasons either. It has actually given a freedom in Christ for me not to worry about controlling things in my life. Now I'm not an advocate for complete lack of control. I do believe watching what you wear, what you watch, what you eat, etc can be good. But at what point do those things become hindering not only to your relationship with Christ but also to your ability to live with the freedom he has given you? I think that point is when you become more concerned with being able to control those things than your walk with Him. I know that may sound silly and some may say by controlling what I wear how could that ever hinder my walk with Him but it can. When the first thing you think of before walking out the door to church is I hope my hair is just right, I hope my skirt is not wrong,I hope all these things and you don't even consider how much better it could have been to prepare before going out to church was spending alone time with Christ for that hour you spent on your outfit. Or even with controlling what you eat. I do believe having a healthy diet is a good thing and it is also something I should probably work better at but when controlling and eliminating things in my diet not only for health reasons but also because I find comfort in being able to control that becomes more important than my walk with Him I feel the boundary has been reached. This may sound extremely judgemental towards people that enjoy control and I sincerely apologize. I feel that by receiving freedom in Christ we should also relinquish our need for control to Him. Not saying that discernment in what we say, what we wear, what we eat, what we drink is wrong. It is necessary but at the same time our focus must always be pointed towards Him first and not waver because of a need for control.

Blessed...

There is something to be said about being in the middle of chaos or turmoil and feeling completely at peace. Although the feeling isn't completely new. I have been feeling it for awhile I just love being able to embrace it. The past two weeks it seems like nothing could go right. Everything was falling apart both in my life and in the Rocke's. And wow can I tell how much God has grown me. While everything was wrong I knew who I was fighting. I knew who the enemy was...Satan. Don't get me wrong he is very good at what he does and I had moments of doubt but they were followed up by amazing knowing. Although I didn't understand, my faith was still strong. I believe my God is bigger, He is better, and He will win. The chaos hasn't ended but I am right where I said I wanted to be. I am at the eye of the storm. I am armed with Christ and enjoying the fight. I can see the growth when instead of saying "Why me" like I used to, I am saying "why not me?" I know who I'm living for and I dare Satan to come between us because like I said in April I will never again give up my Savior. If I have found anyone to be faithful it is Him. Although I am constantly failing and never living up to my own standard I still have faith that He loves me and His grace is sufficient. I planned on writing about how excited I was for this weekend but this came out instead. But for a quick note on the weekend. It is crazy to look back and to see how Christ has brought me to where I am. This weekend my excitement is in going to Prison ministries Sunday and tonight in singing Praise to my Father with the young group. How different He changes our lives but how great it is to live for Him instead of for the world. How I blessed I am to follow a Father with a PERFECT plan. Kinda hard to wrap your head around it!!

My God is faithful

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote. And I know why. I have had a lot of time that I could have wrote and a lot of things that I felt like writing but then knowing someone may read it stopped me. I promised in the beginning of my blog I wanted to be transparent, entirely truthful even with myself and by not writing I could avoid that. But not writing left me with a lot of pent up emotions. I love writing. I love putting the feelings, putting my struggles and my triumphs on paper. I've always been one who can't always get out what I want to say but when I write it everything flows so much better. So my apologies to whoever reads this and my apologies to myself. I will remember to always write. Without it I seem to loose track. It's sort of like a person who lives by their schedule, their calendar, planner. I live by being able to express myself. When I was younger I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety which is not to say that things are different and I don't have those issues. Now I simply know where to turn when I feel dragged down. The over whelming sadness, the disturbing anger, or even the panic are all lifted away when I simply ask.  This week was an amazing reminder of that and of how BIG my God is. This week was the first week of many times when Caleb gets to have Riley for a whole week. Something I am extremely thankful for, extremely blessed that he is such an amazing father, and so happy for my little girl who gets to spend extra time with him and his family. I have quite possibly the most awesome co-parenting situation. Both parents striving to have Christ in our lives and also in Riley's. And even though my joy is in knowing that she is safe, she is having a blast, and she is happy. I couldn't help but feel sad. Satan is so good at what he does. He took my sadness and made it fill with irrational fears, with past anxiety of being alone, with overshadowing sadness. Yes a huge part of me was missing from my routine, my life. But God was blessing her and me. I was given the chance to work more, spend uninterrupted quiet time with him, spend time with friends till whatever hour, and freedom not to worry about her. But Tuesday was different. My fears and sadness grew so I prayed, I gave it all to Him. If there is anything I know it is that he always provides and he takes every burden we feel we cannot bear as long as we are humble and willing to ask. And he did. He took my fear, my anxiety, my sadness, my cross and gave me a picture of her smile and joy in my mind. My God is so good and so faithful. I am truly blessed to serve him. 
Psalm 55:16-18 "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me."

 

Time to fight...

I don't even know what to write. I don't even know what to say. The past couple of weeks have been long. The pain I felt has consumed me. So much so that I lost my focus on the important piece of my life, my Savior. I think the quote Alex gave me the other day is fitting. "We will play at this game Christianity until we realize we are really at war for our soul." Today I have been hit with a two ton truck of truth. Now do I like it? Not really how much it hurt. Not from the people who talked to me but in realizing the only thing standing in my way is ME. The only thing stopping the fight against Satan for my Savior is ME. I feel broken but broken in a good way. Broken in truth. I feel calm. I feel saved. Today although I did not enjoy the tears, the ride has been good. I am no longer my own worst enemy. I am no longer standing in my way. And I am putting up my strongest defense. I am putting Christ at my door. I am letting Him fight in my place with His strength against Satan. I am calm. I can feel the peace. I'm no longer afraid. I am ready to accept Christ's gift. I am ready for His joy, His love, and His peace. It is in my hands, I can feel it. But even stronger is that I can feel it in my heart. I love my Savior.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Procrastination... How can I not??

I find myself procrastinating these days. The worst part is it is not because I don't want to do my school work or do things. I actually do enjoy stretching my brain to the limits. The problem lies in this absolutely beautiful weather!!! It's so hard not to enjoy it and want to spend every minute outside. I hung the clothes out on the line this morning and was completely saddened by the fact that there were no more clothes to be hung!! It was so gorgeous!! And each time as I stand outside I am amazed at how BIG my God is! Today as Riley played and I hung laundry I looked around and saw His awesome creation in a full swing. And I thought "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Eccl. 3:1. Amazing how that is so true. I saw the plants come alive, bees buzzing around, and sweet sunshine beating on my back. Here we have come fully out of winter. A time when things have started to die only to be reborn in all His glory. How great it is to be able to watch the wonder of that unfold! And what an awesome lesson to be reminded of every year. We must be patient to watch the trees blossom with leaves, the flowers bloom, and the grass turn green, all things much like our own life that we cannot control. So today I pray to remember that for everything there is a season, and only the Father knows when to let the leaves grow as to avoid the frost.

Undeserving, But Beautifully Blessed,

Crazy Wild Terrible Twos!!!

     Well what a couple of days!! My little angel has turned into a mischevious, snotty two year old! Hurray for independence!! She's 2 going on 13 but with some horrible tantrums. I have been almost at shock for sheer amazement on where she learned any of it!! It's amazing how real it is that we are all born with such a sinful nature. But I know this is good. I know this time is a learning time for me. I have never been one to be wishy washy. I am very much all or nothing and my little willful two year old is very much like me. I have seen myself in a her this past week. So this week as I am going to get very annoyed, very uptight over her behavior because I know I will, I am going to work on being calm. I am going to try to react not in the moment but with grace. I will be in the eye of my own little hurricane. I am ready to embrace this time to learn patience. I am ready because I know that boundaries are good. Christ gives me boundaries. He gives me discipline in my heart when I fail. And he continues to love me when I do fall short. What better example do I need? After taking a deep breath and looking at her smile I am so ready to grow with her. I am ready to EMBRACE being a mom of a two year old. And I am motivated with Christ. I read this great picture the other day and thought I would share.

This will be a long week. This will be a trying experience but everything worthwhile is tough. My beautiful angel will be back with a little patience and some boundaries. She will reappear. I am so excited to be her mom and I am blessed.

Undeserving, But Blessed,

Such a BIG God!!

Wow... Today is a crazy day... I have yet to get up early enough to not feel rushed this week but have had a slight snag with Riley being sick and moving all my stuff. And even though I feel that is no excuse for myself I know it will be ok. So let's see what have is there to talk about today... I think a good subject would be where I feel God has been using me the past couple of weeks. I started going to Prison Ministries on Sunday mornings and it has been very humbling for myself and an amazing blessing. Yes, there are definitley mornings that I am struggling to get out of bed at 6:30 on sundays to be ready but I don't think I could give it up. I feel I have seen changes in some of the girls, whether they are superficial changes or real is something I will never know but at least they seem to put forth the effort of working on their relationship with Christ. This past week was a tremendous blessing for me. The girls came eager, with their lessons finished!!(they always forgot to return them) and with their memory verse MEMORIZED!!! It was amazing!! Only something that Christ could do!!! I felt so blessed to have a Savior who can do work like that! And then Christ can be so good to humble us in a way that reminds us we are no better than any other sinner just because we didn't get caught with our vice. This was how my last Sunday before this one went. I walked into the room where we meet with the girls and there was a girl who sat in front of me in one of my classes, sitting right there. Here I had been going to class never thinking of the people that are missing from class because everyone (and I include myself) just chime in on maybe she dropped out or class must have been too hard, when really we have no idea. Frankly, It really put me in my place. So often we continue to go about our day criticising or gossiping without thinking about someone else when we don't know the shoes they wear or any of their story. And not only that but even though we say we don't, we judge where it is not our place to. I have never been reminded so strongly about casting the first stone. I wish this girl could know how Christ used her that day to make such an impact on me. I feel so amazingly blessed to have such a BIG God! I am glad that I can continue to be shown such great blessings and learn so much from where God is using me for HIS Glory!!! Ahhhh and check out this B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. SUNSHINE!!! I love it!!! Hope everyone has an awesome day and gets outside to enjoy the great weather!!!

Undeserving, But Blessed
Merce

Well it seems to have been awhile!!

What to say? Well my past week or two (because wow I really haven't posted anything since spring break) have been hectic/rollercoaster/annoying/rough/ Murphy's law-what can go wrong will. Yeah that's a rough couple of weeks. I have struggled in alot of areas this past couple of weeks and mainly out of my own choice of paths which in itself is frustrating. Let's start first most importantly with my relationship with Christ. Well it's lacking/failing. My prayer life, my focus, my enjoyment, everything. I literally have fallen off the band wagon. Which also means I am running behind attempting to catch it all the while Satan is lassoing me (very well might I add). It's just absolutely frustrating. I haven't even made the attempt in the past two weeks to strengthen that relationship. And that makes me very sad with myself. It's not that I don't know the undeniably awesome gift He has given me or find amazing joy in it and honestly my struggles are so minuet they shouldn't even matter but they still distract me. One of the biggest of my struggles is my feelings. I hate feeling sad! Because when I feel sad it is not a one day and the next I am over it. It is a drag through the mud, cry in my closet, can't shake it, sad for weeks sort of sad. And not only that but when the reason I am sad is standing in front of me, Satan does an amazing job of covering the AMAZING joy Christ puts there too. I can honestly say that Satan is good at what he does. So this week even though it is still full of deadlines and annoying schedules I can say I want to work harder and if I don't want to on a certain day I'm going to push myself because I'm starting to feel lost and unorganized in my priorities. And that is a feeling I despise! Next how does one deal with a temptation that is right in front of you nonstop? And I am not talking about one that you can walk away from? One that you have commitments with and therefore must deal with. Before I started repenting it was easy to get over this temptation because there was so much hate for (let's just call it my "frog" sounds funny but naming names is unpleasant in blogs sometimes) my frog for what had happened that it was easy to ignore it. Now since turning towards Christ I find it is very hard to hate someone even though it is a great defense mechanism. I have found that I feel very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with someone who I began to trust again when I should have only been that way with Christ. Because now I am left with a hole that I know I should not even have because I keep going back to I Corinthians 7:34 - "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." And Yes I realize it is also my lack of attention to the Lord that has gotten me to the bottom of my very own well. Amazing isn't it? God gives us a brain and sometimes we well lack to use it. Who would have thought? Anyway as I continue to read that verse I think about how sometimes taking the right path is so easy yet it is unbelievable as humans how we always manage to fail and choose our own! But that is a topic for another day. This is already going to be a rather long blog today. So for the next week I have set some new and somewhat drastic boundaries for myself but I just read this quote today that stated "sometimes bold moves call for drastic measures", don't know whether I fully agree but today I will take it to heart. First no texting, no calling unless it is needed for the well being of the middle person, and when ever a thought of my "frog" comes to mind I am going to simply send a prayer up for him so that it will dispel any bad feelings Satan insists on pushing my way. The next is to arise at 5:30am everyday. Yes that time does exist. :) I want to be able to go for a walk, read my bible, and not feel rushed in my time with Christ. I want exactly what James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." I want to be purified again. I want to feel the excitement of Christ in my heart, in my life. I feel like I have found my compass again. And its pointed back in the right direction.  Prayers welcomed, it will be a long week but a good one. I truly do have a beautiful Savior. It is time to guard my heart for Him alone. :)

Undeserving, But Blessed,
Merce

And the week is here...

Well Spring Break is here!!! I have such a long list of things to do. And sadly my monday has not been near as efficient this morning as I had hoped but that's ok I have all week!!! And I am ready!!! My excitement is overwhelming. I spent this morning with Riley reading the book of John. I hope I have that child-like enthusiasm everyday for the Word. Riley kept saying more, more. It was a good start to this extremely busy week.  I've got my list of things to do started!! I'm so excited. Hope this week continues to be great and I can stay on top of things!!! So Good luck to me!! 


With love,

Merce

SUNSHINE!!!!!

Did anyone else see the sunshine????? I love it!!! It is absolutely amazing!!! I don't even care that there is a chill in the air, it is so wonderful to have days of sunshine... I love the fact that spring is almost here. Last night I grilled at my house and opened the blinds. It was fabulous!! Even when your life hits a rough spot sunshine is such good therapy. And I love the fact that sunshine makes smiling contagious for everyone. Here is to a wonderful weekend and a beautifully sunny day!!! Praise our Heavenly Father!! He is an incredible Creator!!

With soooo much love and a very contagious smile (Watch out!!),
Merce

Like always the sun comes out..

All I can say is that no matter what even in the dark times the sun eventually comes out... And not just literally either. Next week is spring break and I have been so focused on my short fallings I didn't even pay attention to that. So with that being sad it has added a bright light blinding me in my face!! I need to get over myself and move forward so now I am. And one other thing that has catapulted my mood change is paying bills...haha how grown up does that sound... but really I got my tax return and paid alot of bills. That just makes me feel like a weight was lifted. And also I read one of my favorite great passages last night in my bible, II Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. " After reading this it put it back into perspective which is just what I needed. My heavenly Father is forever faithful and even when I'm uncertain he is there. What a sense of relief that is!!! Today has been a good day and though I am certain there will be more bad because satan is never far I know I can make it through with Christ. Not to mention today is Wednesday and I have church tonight! I love going there. It makes my week better. Great fellowship and being with others listening to the word makes a really good night. :)

With love,
Merce

Falling down...

I don't even know where to start with this past week and a half or should I say month. It has been tough needless to say. I got my notice that my landlord is remodeling the house I live in at the beginning which started off the month in a bit of a strange spot. And of course I feel depressed by that. Next my grandmother passes away and no matter how much of a good thing that is because of where she is now it's still seemed hard. Also falling behind on my bills which stinks because it feels like once you're behind you can't catch up. And school what even to say except that it is a whole new definition of tough. I wish I would have stayed in when I first started out of high school...Oh the saying if I only knew then what I knew now. So true! Anyway and then the situation with a certain person. We don't date before marriage and we aren't even sure if we are going to marry each other except to say that neither one of us could image anyone else and it well just makes sense. So with that in mind not spending time together and not communicating like we would if we were together makes for a great Satan's playground. And I need alot which is not saying I need help alot its just I am very insecure and this past month has given Satan a hayday with my own feelings of failings as a mom, friend, and a Christian. So in saying that sometimes I need a pick me up that resorts back to my feelings like when I was younger and looked for them in all the wrong places, relationships. Which continuously reminds me that I'm focused on the wrong thing. That I should be focused on Christ. But sometimes the comfort of knowing that person is there loving you is just that a comfort. Which is not to say that Christ isn't he's just not physical if that makes sense. So needless to say I feel quite down. So much so that I don't know what to do. I have been continuously trying to go back to Christ and give him my worries but sometimes I feel like they are just piling up too. I have cried so much this past week I don't even know what to say except that I am so very thankful that all this is temporary. In the wake of a depressing day sometimes I forget that. As I remember that I am extremely grateful for these hard times because without these I would forget how to lean on Christ. Everything even when it doesn't feel like it can be turned to Him. So after praying and reading it's time to pick myself back up and begin my walk again. I am very thankful for the bible study that we have started on Thursday nights as it deals with Insecurity which seems to be the plight of my delimma. Hopefully this next week with the break from school with get brighter. I do have a lot of goals I am working on which will be a breath of fresh air. :) Especially the working out and focusing on my debt. I am ready and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have written out my goals and my dates for completion. I am excited and ready for this. And every step of the way Christ is going to be there.

With love,
Merce

My Beginning...

This is going to be an incredible journey... not even for anyone but myself... there are things in my life that overjoy me to the point of tears and there are things, sins of my own that scar me. I started a year ago wanting to begin all over with Christ and through this past year I have found that just becoming a Christian doesn't make your life simple. In fact it adds curves and detours to the route. I've never been awesome at journaling in fact I normally only turn to it when I'm hurt but I type better than I write so I hope that motivates myself. And one other thing that I think will help is I am ready to be vulnerable, to those that read this, to myself; something I have never felt. I am ready to lay it all out on the line, the good and the bad. I have so many things I have decided I want to change, accomplish, even just attempt. And I am so ready for what Christ brings. The best saying ever - When you expect great things from God he will blow your mind. And that is not to say that as God delivers Satan won't be knocking at the door with plenty of ammunition. Also with this blog I want to blow the thought that every Christian feels extremely blessed all the time out of the water. There are those that do and I am amazed by them but there are plenty of us like me who are unsure of ourselves, of our faith in God's timing and in life. And who have struggles with temptation even if they are small. As I write I know that my struggles and my worries are so small and selfish to those that hunger or have no place to sleep. I am not cured of my own selfishness but I am trying to redo that part of my life. Because those thoughts, worries, and fears consume too much of my time. This is my beginning. I am starting this blog being a woman saved by unmatching Grace from my Savior, a single mother to an amazing 1 1/2 year old, a college student, a woman in love with a man with whom the future is unseen, an unhealthy person, and one who has a lot of debt. Now I say those two last things with horrible regret for my actions in the past and also with hope for the future of what I can change. I can't wait to get to the end not to say that I'm not terrified of dying because I am out of my own selfishness, just for wanting to not miss out on the wordly things even as I know what awaits. But I am so excited to see my Savior. And I am so ready to tackle what time He gives me here. I'm learning slowly how to live. I have so much faith in what the Lord can do even in my own low valleys. I have firmly found that He is there even when I cannot see or feel him. I will not be a doubting Thomas. 

With love,
Merce